As Long As She's Healthy

This is a post that piggybacks on my last post Trying for a Boy?  That post was already getting long, and with these being 2 separate thoughts--although related--I decided to write them as 2 separate posts.

As I was shopping one day for a few odds and ends, a dear old lady, whose intentions were only good {really--she was sweet as can be}, came up and started a conversation.  It's a familiar one. I was about 8 months pregnant and had both my girls with me.

"Your girls are beautiful. Oh, I see you're having another one? Now, what are we hoping for, dear?  I bet daddy wants a boy."

Kaylee was quick to reply, "Nope, God is giving us another girl.  Her name is Natalie.  This is my sister Kara and I'm Kaylee.  This is my mom, Cassie."

The lady smiled as she replied.  "Oh, I bet Dad wishes he had a boy."  {Again, I addressed why this statement bothers me in my last post.}

I tried to sound gracious as I responded to her, "Actually, we're all very excited to meet this little one and see who God has chosen to give us."

This little old lady, still with super sweet intentions said, "I love your perspective.  I'm sure you will love whoever you have, as long as she's healthy."

As long as she's healthy.  This statement hit me so much differently than it normally would have.

People really can say these things with good intentions.  And I am sure I have said so many of these same things before.  But the more I live life as a mom, the more I am stunned by these types of conversations. The thoughts of our society astound me.  The idea that I would love a boy-child more than a girl-child is hard to imagine as a mom.  The idea that I will only love my child as long as she's healthy, sickens me.  It places a condition on the child.  I will love you IF.  If you are healthy...  So, don't you even THINK about being born with a disease that is out of your control.  God, You wouldn't give ME a sick baby.

Again, I realize that, YES, it is easier to have healthy children.  Yes, we don't WISH for anyone to be sick, especially not our child. We pray for healthy babies.  We desire healthy babies.  But, in light of many things in the news recently, such as this story about a Dad refusing to give up his son with Down Syndrome, I am realizing that things like this shouldn't be said.  It's sad that these statements are actually becoming reality. People actually ARE rejecting their children because of a health condition that is outside of their control.  I am so thankful that this dad didn't reject his son because of his health condition. His value is still as great as my value and yours.  He is created in the image of God, Down Syndrome and all.

I have so many friends whose children have illnesses and special needs that are hard to diagnose or define.  Even if they are definable, they are difficult to manage and full of unknowns.  These parents haven't stopped loving their children.  Instead, I see hearts who grieve for their child over his or her illness--not because of the inconvenience that it causes them {and by all means, illness is not easy to deal with}--because they love their child so incredibly much that it causes them pain to see them in such a state.  They desire healthy bodies because they wish their child didn't suffer.  But at the same time, they are willing to go through this hard path because they couldn't imagine doing life without that child no matter the cost. They are willing to go through this hard time in life because it allows God to teach them things that they would otherwise miss.

In these parents, I see the love of God.  I am sick with sin, yet God the Father loves me.  He loves me and He sent His Son to die for me so that one day I can receive a body restored.

Trying for a boy?

As I sat awake holding my little 2-week-old joy throughout the night a couple nights ago, I couldn't help but stare down at her through the soft light that so gently caught all her beautifully perfect little features.  I can't imagine holding anyone different than who I have.   I experienced the same kind of overwhelmingly powerful rush of unconditional love with both of my other girls.  I simply cannot imagine my family any other way!  As I was sitting there staring at her, I started recalling the numerous times this pregnancy that I was asked, "So, what are you hoping for, dear?" or something along those lines.

Here are some of the actual things that were said to me while I was pregnant this 3rd time:

"What are you having?... Oh a girl?... Are you going to try for the boy or just give up and realize you're a girl family?"

"Oh you're having a girl?  We actually got our boy for the second one so we could stop trying at that point. Haha!  What are you going to do?"

"Oh, I bet your husband is really disappointed.  He still isn't getting his boy."

He looks pretty disappointed, huh?

Now, I fully realize that the intention behind most, if not all, of these statements was not to offend. They were not to make claims that only families with boys and girls are acceptable families.  They were not trying to say that boys are better than girls. They were simply people acknowledging that I was pregnant with #3, and already having 2 beautiful girls, they were curious about who would be joining us. They were simply making small talk.

I tried to graciously respond to all of these statements (of which I got SO many more than the few mentioned above).  I would simply respond, "We're excited to meet who God is giving us."

Zach and I prepared our girls with this undeniable truth before we even found out the gender: we are not in control of who this baby is created to be.  God is.  He is the author of life.  However, the question is always asked (And I ask it too!), "What are you hoping for?" or "What do you think you're having?"  The girls both responded that they thought it would be a girl.  So in an attempt to prepare them to love a brother if that's what God gave us, we simply explained to them that we don't get to decide the gender.  God does.  If it was a boy, He wanted to give them a special gift of a little brother.  If it was a girl, He thought they needed a little sister.  We aren't in control.  He is.  We aren't the creators of life.  He is.  They caught on to that much stronger than I thought, so Kaylee would often speak up before I would and she would reply to those strangers in the store, "We don't get to choose and we'll just have to wait and see." Sometimes she'd quietly throw in, "But I want a sister." Once we KNEW it was a girl, she'd exclaim,"God chose a sister for us! Isn't that exciting?"  I loved hearing her say that.  I love that she knows that Natalie is a gift to our family from God.

To those who said that my husband would be disappointed, I always brought up how much he loved his 2 girls, so I was sure it wouldn't be any different this time around.  The last thing I wanted was for my 2 beautiful, sweet, innocent girls to think that they were anything less than what daddy was REALLY excited about.  He is so excited about all of his girls. Sure, it maybe took some getting used to.  He wasn't really very keen on wearing princess crowns and fake pearl necklaces until he had his girls.  Lip gloss and nail polish weren't things that he thought to spend his money on. But he still has his fun of building forts and showing off his soccer footwork, with the hope that his kids will fall in love with soccer.  He gets to still pass his appreciation of Star Wars on to the next generation. And I can't imagine that he would want anything different than a daughter who aspires to be a gymnast and then a ballerina when she's too old to be a gymnast.  Or our middle little who wants to be a gymnast and a football player.  We love our girls.

Are we done having kids? Maybe. Maybe not.  Are we trying for a boy?  No.  Would we love a boy? Yes!  Would we love another girl?  Yes!  We will love whoever ends up making up our family--all given to us by God.

Natalie: The Littlest Little

Today we celebrated 2 weeks of life for a precious girl, Natalie!  Here's a look at the last couple of weeks:

 BIRTH STORY (Trying to keep it PG, but be forewarned)

The last few days last week, Natalie seemed so comfy cozy inside me. I wasn't anticipating anything happening for another week or so. Friday night, we went to bed. I had mild back pain, which was nothing new, but nothing else. I had dreams throughout the night of power walking, squatting, and getting advice from people about how to get labor started, such as eating pineapple. Right about 3 a.m. I woke up to go to the bathroom--again, nothing out of the ordinary. But then I thought, "Hey, I think that might be a REAL contraction. I'll probably get a few and they'll go away like they did a few days ago." I went back to bed and as I was lying there, I felt another one. And another. I started timing them. 6-10 minutes apart and getting closer. I woke Zach up a little after 3:30 and had him help me time them. 3-5 minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds to a minute. I finally decided this was real at about 4 and called my mom to let her know. She got to our house to watch the girls and we left at about 4:40--I was in no HUGE rush to get to the hospital, thinking we had quite a bit more time left. We got there at 5 and the lady at the desk asked if we needed to rush back and have someone meet us there right away, or if we could wait until someone got back to Triage and then head back. I decided to wait and let Zach park and come back. From 5:00-5:10, I had at least 4 contractions. The lady at the desk told me that as soon as Zach got back, we needed to head in. We checked into Triage at 5:15, 5 cm and 90% effaced. I was "probably going to be admitted." I told Zach that if I wasn't, I'd like to punch someone. This. Was. Real. Thankfully, I was admitted and got to my room about 6. I was 9 cm and 100% effaced. I said I didn't think it was quite time yet, but was starting to feel some pressure. They called in Dr. Hutchison, who was already at the hospital, and she came over 6:15-6:20 am. They got the station all ready and we waited. We chatted in between contractions. She asked if I'd like her to break my waters, and I declined... unless of course she had somewhere else to be. I'd rather her break them and be there than miss it. HA. She said she was fine and we kept visiting. Finally, right about 7:20 or just before I knew it was time to push.

Natalie Grace Jones arrived on February 07, 2015 at 7:24 a.m.
7 lb. 8 oz. ~ 19"

She is healthy and beautiful and the girls absolutely LOVE her.

Although we have had a few nights of less comfortable sleep, and just plain less sleep, this girl is the best addition to our family that I could have received.  I mean just look at her a few more times.

Kara: The Middle Little Joy

Kara is such a sweet heart.  I think at this point, I'm figuring out that her primary love language is words of affirmation.  She's at the age that her vocabulary is just soaring.  (23 months) She says many many more things than these few, but these are some of our favorites. She also does a few hilarious things as well.

1) Sad: This is a HUGE thing for her.  She picks up on emotions so easily.  When someone is sad, she immediately says so. With a sweet concerned face, "Sad." Usually she goes over to comfort them at that point. She wants to make all bad things good.

2) Mimicking big sister.  She loves to do very similar things as Kaylee.  She'll often add her own little twist to it, but looks up to her big sis so much.  The admiration she has for Kaylee is so sweet to watch.  This has only grown since becoming a big sister.

3) The way she says, "Okay." She gets a deeper voice than she has for pretty much anything else she says.

4)  She's usually pretty compliant and does what she's asked, but when she's not--boy, is she STUBBORN! She looks over to the side out of the corner of her eyes and absolutely refuses to make eye contact with anyone.

5) "Thank you," and "You're welcome" are very common phrases in her vocabulary.  She is super consistent in using them.  "Ank you!" "You're wel'm!"  So. Stinkin'. Cute.

6)  She is a silly goofball with tons of energy.  Spinning around until she's dizzy.  Running back and forth from the couch to the kitchen trash can. Trying to jump as high as she can (2 inches off the ground).

7) Stickers. Need I say more?  Stickers on walls, blankets, desks, tables, shirts, shoes, arms, faces... oh and paper sometimes.

8) "YAY!"  She is not at all shy about hiding the fact that she is excited about something.  "YAY, yay, yay, YAY!"

9) Same thing with when she thinks something is fun. "Fun!"

10) 1...2....5...10...11...9  I love her counting skills

11) She loves to bang things.  "Bammer," and "hammer," are some words we hear quite often.

12) Walking in other people's shoes.  Yes.  All kids love doing this.  Kara makes a habit of it extremely regularly. Daddy's, Mommy's, Kaylee's.  Tennis shoes, work shoes, flats, heals, flip-flops.  Around the house, in the car, at other's houses.

13) Want some.

14) "It's fine."  If she wants it, she makes sure to let us know it's fine.

15) I do it.

16) Don wanna.

17) I.... Luh.... YOUUUUU!

18) "Dear Jesus...Amen."

19) "Nat!" I love that she gets excited about her little sister.

20) The hug tackle.  She loves to give Kaylee hug tackles.  This is where she runs up and hugs Kaylee so tightly, that they both end up crashing to the ground.

I love my Kara girl so much.

Dear Mom Who Is Trying to Do What's Best for Her Kids

I'm not really an "open letter" writer.  I'm a mom.  I happened to give a little talk at a friend's shower for her little girl a few months back, and I can't help but keep thinking these things over and over again with all the debates that I see flying around on social media and in the blogosphere.  So, I share the letter that I wrote and read at my friend's shower with you, with a few minor changes.  

Dear Mom Who Is Trying to Do What's Best for Her Kids, 

As I'm sure you've already figured out, EVERYONE seems to know how to mother the best way and they are sure to share all of their mommy wisdom with you. As moms in our culture, we have every opportunity to compare ourselves with every other mom out there.  We are constantly assessing various factors that our society has deemed the end-all-be-all of what makes you a good mom.

Will you have a medicated birth or natural?  Vaginal or C-section? At the hospital, birth center or home? Will a Doula be present?  Be sure to make it be an intimate moment with your husband, but take lots of pictures and tell all the nitty-gritty in your birth story.

Are breastfeeding or bottle feeding? On demand or on a regimented schedule? Don't let your baby control you, but if you make baby wait on your time you'll be starving her and causing her life-long emotional damage.

Do you wear your baby? If not you should.  But only in certain baby wearers because otherwise your baby will have spinal and hip issues for the rest of her life.  But then again, maybe you shouldn't wear your baby at all because they will become too attached to you and have worse separation anxiety when they are older. You should be passing your baby around to a wide variety of people so they get used to many different faces.

Do you co-sleep with your baby or do you have him in his own crib? Do you let him cry it out or barely make a peep before attending to him?   Realize that the choices you make will either make him feel neglected or will make him too reliant on you and he won't learn to self-soothe.

Pacifier or no pacifier.  Keep in mind dental issues later on.  Oh, but it will help soothe her if mom isn't there right this second.  But, again, she won't learn to self-soothe.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?  No matter what you choose, you will be killing your child and those children around you.

Organic food or conventional?

Preschool or not?

Home school? Public school? Charter school? Private school? Liberal Arts, Classical or Montessori?

I could go on and on about the "big issues" that swarm parents and what makes you good parents in our culture today.

If you're anything like me, you'll see your friends and family doing things one way, and others another way.  You'll think back on your own childhood and how your parents did things--some you loved, some maybe not so much.  And of course, you can get all these lovely facts {read: opinions} from professional bloggers {read: bloggers made popular by our culture and those on every side of every issue} easily on a daily basis... whether you are searching or not.

I want to encourage you by saying, "Don't let these things because the 'big things'."  Sure, it's important to make good, informed decisions about ALL of these issues, but don't let your decisions in these areas define you as being "good" or "bad" parents.  As soon as you open the door to letting these things define you, you allow Satan to come in and let these things rob you of the JOY of raising your child into the man or woman of God that He created your child to be.

Instead, remember the wisdom found in Ephesians 6:4.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the of the Lord."

Keep your eyes on Jesus; train your kids up in the instruction of the Lord. That is the most important responsibility that you have as a parent. That is the big issue.

You'll notice that the verse also calls you as parents to not provoke your children to anger. I've found this to be much more relevant than I thought it would be.  I know when my heart isn't in the right place, and I respond to my girls in a poor way (no matter the instance), it triggers anger and frustration from them.  [Side note: sometimes you can be training them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord with a good heart attitude, and your kids will still respond in anger and frustration because of their sinful heart.  That's another issue.  That being said...]

I've found that more and more over the past couple of years it, is is crucial for me to keep the fruit of the Spirit at the forefront of my mind.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." -Galatians 5:22-23

I've heard these so many times, and recited these verses so many times, that they started to become one of those verses that I "heard" without really hearing.  Within the past year or so, I came across Max Lucado's expansion on these verses (Chapter 11 of When God Whispers Your, Thomas Nelson, 1994) and I love it.

Chapter 11 Excerpt
Galations 5: 22

IT’S QUIET. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.
In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.
For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.
I choose love . . .
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I choose joy . . .
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical . . . the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I choose peace . . .
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I choose patience . . .
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I choose kindness . . .
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I choose goodness . . .
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.
I choose faithfulness . . .
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.
I choose gentleness . . .
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I choose self-control . . .
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks.

If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my
head on my pillow and rest.

Isn't that such a beautiful picture of what it looks like to truly exhibit the fruit of the Spirit?  I love that it reminds me that I cannot live a life like this without Christ.  On days that I'm a "good mom", I can give the glory and thanks to Him. I've chosen to be an obedient child of God and I've done what He calls me to do through His strength.  I also love that it reminds me that I will fail and I have full access to His grace.  On days when I feel like the worst mom in the world, I can still, at the end of the day, rest.  And then begins a new day.