Dear Mom Who Is Trying to Do What's Best for Her Kids

I'm not really an "open letter" writer.  I'm a mom.  I happened to give a little talk at a friend's shower for her little girl a few months back, and I can't help but keep thinking these things over and over again with all the debates that I see flying around on social media and in the blogosphere.  So, I share the letter that I wrote and read at my friend's shower with you, with a few minor changes.  

Dear Mom Who Is Trying to Do What's Best for Her Kids, 

As I'm sure you've already figured out, EVERYONE seems to know how to mother the best way and they are sure to share all of their mommy wisdom with you. As moms in our culture, we have every opportunity to compare ourselves with every other mom out there.  We are constantly assessing various factors that our society has deemed the end-all-be-all of what makes you a good mom.

Will you have a medicated birth or natural?  Vaginal or C-section? At the hospital, birth center or home? Will a Doula be present?  Be sure to make it be an intimate moment with your husband, but take lots of pictures and tell all the nitty-gritty in your birth story.

Are breastfeeding or bottle feeding? On demand or on a regimented schedule? Don't let your baby control you, but if you make baby wait on your time you'll be starving her and causing her life-long emotional damage.

Do you wear your baby? If not you should.  But only in certain baby wearers because otherwise your baby will have spinal and hip issues for the rest of her life.  But then again, maybe you shouldn't wear your baby at all because they will become too attached to you and have worse separation anxiety when they are older. You should be passing your baby around to a wide variety of people so they get used to many different faces.

Do you co-sleep with your baby or do you have him in his own crib? Do you let him cry it out or barely make a peep before attending to him?   Realize that the choices you make will either make him feel neglected or will make him too reliant on you and he won't learn to self-soothe.

Pacifier or no pacifier.  Keep in mind dental issues later on.  Oh, but it will help soothe her if mom isn't there right this second.  But, again, she won't learn to self-soothe.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?  No matter what you choose, you will be killing your child and those children around you.

Organic food or conventional?

Preschool or not?

Home school? Public school? Charter school? Private school? Liberal Arts, Classical or Montessori?

I could go on and on about the "big issues" that swarm parents and what makes you good parents in our culture today.

If you're anything like me, you'll see your friends and family doing things one way, and others another way.  You'll think back on your own childhood and how your parents did things--some you loved, some maybe not so much.  And of course, you can get all these lovely facts {read: opinions} from professional bloggers {read: bloggers made popular by our culture and those on every side of every issue} easily on a daily basis... whether you are searching or not.

I want to encourage you by saying, "Don't let these things because the 'big things'."  Sure, it's important to make good, informed decisions about ALL of these issues, but don't let your decisions in these areas define you as being "good" or "bad" parents.  As soon as you open the door to letting these things define you, you allow Satan to come in and let these things rob you of the JOY of raising your child into the man or woman of God that He created your child to be.

Instead, remember the wisdom found in Ephesians 6:4.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the of the Lord."

Keep your eyes on Jesus; train your kids up in the instruction of the Lord. That is the most important responsibility that you have as a parent. That is the big issue.

You'll notice that the verse also calls you as parents to not provoke your children to anger. I've found this to be much more relevant than I thought it would be.  I know when my heart isn't in the right place, and I respond to my girls in a poor way (no matter the instance), it triggers anger and frustration from them.  [Side note: sometimes you can be training them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord with a good heart attitude, and your kids will still respond in anger and frustration because of their sinful heart.  That's another issue.  That being said...]

I've found that more and more over the past couple of years it, is is crucial for me to keep the fruit of the Spirit at the forefront of my mind.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." -Galatians 5:22-23

I've heard these so many times, and recited these verses so many times, that they started to become one of those verses that I "heard" without really hearing.  Within the past year or so, I came across Max Lucado's expansion on these verses (Chapter 11 of When God Whispers Your, Thomas Nelson, 1994) and I love it.

Chapter 11 Excerpt
Galations 5: 22

IT’S QUIET. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.
In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.
For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.
I choose love . . .
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I choose joy . . .
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical . . . the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I choose peace . . .
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I choose patience . . .
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I choose kindness . . .
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I choose goodness . . .
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.
I choose faithfulness . . .
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.
I choose gentleness . . .
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I choose self-control . . .
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks.

If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my
head on my pillow and rest.

Isn't that such a beautiful picture of what it looks like to truly exhibit the fruit of the Spirit?  I love that it reminds me that I cannot live a life like this without Christ.  On days that I'm a "good mom", I can give the glory and thanks to Him. I've chosen to be an obedient child of God and I've done what He calls me to do through His strength.  I also love that it reminds me that I will fail and I have full access to His grace.  On days when I feel like the worst mom in the world, I can still, at the end of the day, rest.  And then begins a new day.